In a non-stunning move, Steve Ballmer, owner of the LA Clippers, has finally (mercifully) decided to leave the boring and over-saturated market of Los Angeles, and head north for the vibrant and rainy market of Seattle.
After receiving the blessing of the LA Clippers one and only fan, Billy Crystal (sorry kids), Ballmer made the easy and honorable decision.
“It comes down to fandom and profitability,” the man who likes to call himself ‘Basketballmer’ said at a sparsely attended news conference detailing the move. “LA already has a pretty well-known team, so….” Ballmer continued before trailing off and sticking out his tongue.
“I mean, come on! I made my livelihood in Seattle, it’s a no brainer,” he said, then began entertaining the thought of running for political office in Seattle, because–– “I’ll be like, their favorite person! Like the prodigal son returning,” which evidently means he will stop eating pork and leave his debaucherous ways behind in Los Angeles, a place known for debauchery and traffic and smog and hipster mustaches.
The news conference continued with a list of names for the new team. Among them was: Seattle Jets, Seattle Stars (presumably because of Kurt Cobain and Starbucks), Seattle Shuckers, Seattle Shadows, Seattle Spacers, Seattle Swampcats, Seattle Skyliners, Seattle Slam or Slammers, Seattle Silver, Seattle Shores, Seattle Surf, Seattle Seals, Seattle Stealth, or the most popular, Seattle Sonics.
After the mention of the last name, Seattle Sonics, Ballmer talked a little of the heartless and petty move the late commissioner, David Stern (may he rest in no-peace), made when he basically moved a perfectly valuable and locally integral sports team away from Seattle, an International City, to Oklahoma City, a place so lame it has to remind people it’s, in fact, a city.
Ballmer ended the news conference, in an apparent act of rational passion, by announcing the firing of Clippers coach Doc Rivers.
“We thank Mr. Rivers for all his work and professionalism, but at the end of the day, the culture he created was like a stale potato, and his decision-making like wet toilet-paper.”