SECRET NBA MEMO FOUND FOR 2017-18 SEASON! EMPHASIZES OFFENSE, WHILE DISCOURAGING DEFENSE TO HELP WITH PROMOTIONAL EFFORTS!

The NBA is the new MLB! The ball is juiced, everyone is swinging for the fences, and the higher the score––the more dollar bills fall from the rafters. At least, this is the new line of thinking in today’s NBA. Offense is the now the emphasis, and Defense…well, defense can proverbially watch from home.

A secret memo was found, accidentally dropped by a NBA executive from his gym bag as he was leaving a pick-up basketball game at his local gym. Not only did he lose that pick-up game, but he lost something much more important. Why on earth an executive would keep such a confidential directive among his smelly gym shoes and tons of unwashed socks is a complete mystery. The classified memo, dated September 25th, 2017––five days before preseason games were set to begin––is a bombshell report. In it, NBA executives working along with team representatives and coaches, have conspired to emphasize offense this season to the extent that, “defense should not be an integral part of the game moving forward.” The memo continues to list reasons for highlighting offense, among them: “promotion of the game”, “fan jubilation”, and “the dominance of SportsCenter Top 10.”

The current season has followed along with almost exact efficiency. Offense is up, defense is down, and attendance is skyrocketing. Of course, there are some cracks in the backboard glass. Blowouts are on the rise and have become a common occurrence this season, either from lack of parity, or because ‘giving up’ is far easier and, at present, a noble task. The reality of the matter is: blowouts are boring, professionalism becomes muddled, and fans react with disdain, then apathy, and finally, sadness––which leads to writing blog posts.

Maybe 82 games, “really is stupid”, one player is quoted as saying, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to be heavily fined. “I mean, come on!” he continued after being shown the memo, “what are they trying to prove here? In college we play, what, 30–31 games, and the best teams pretty much rise to the top.” When asked what a preferable amount of regular season games would be, the player answered, “I guess like 50, that’s a good number, and no more than 2 per week.” It seems, without saying it, the reason for such poor defense, according to this player, is the effect of an endless regular season. Of course, profit always seems to win out in these circumstances (or every circumstance). The owners in the league would be extremely hard pressed to go for anything less than 82 games a season. Once you give a mouse a cookie… (in this case, the mouse is a billionaire, and the cookie––millions of dollars in profit), the mouse wants more cookies and a glass of organic whole milk.

The NBA could not be reached for comment on this article. However, they did issue a short statement, that could or could not be attributed to the secret memo: “Everyone enjoy the up-coming NBA All-Star game, there should be lots of Slam Dunks!”

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